The Beginning and the End of the Kardashian Diet
Good Morning Everyone!
We are about to get really real up in here, so grab a drink, pull up a chair, and let’s have some laughs together. As stated in the previous post, I decided to give the Kardashian Diet a try. I didn’t have super high hopes, because when I don’t eat carbs I get “hangry”. You know… hungry + angry = hangry. Anyway, do you remember that commercial for Snickers that had the punchline: “you’re not yourself when you’re hungry”? That was me.
I began the day with high hopes…
I pan-seared a piece of swai in some oil and Cajun seasonings. Truthfully, I don’t cook fish hardly at all. So I really am a Noob Chef when it comes to seafood. However, in the back of my mind I thought: “Okay, if the fish looks golden, flaky, and white then it must be cooked!”. Let me pause here for a moment. Do you know how easy it is to overcook fish? The answer is: very. But I’ll show you that in just a moment. For now, let’s look at breakfast. I don’t usually eat a giant breakfast, but with the no carb. rule I wanted to make sure I was full. I had some leftover vegetables in a tofu brown sauce (compliments of my local Chinese restaurant) which I heated up and put the fish on top. Done. It wasn’t bad… but by 9 AM I was hungry again.
From 9-10 AM I sat there and tried to avoid anything to do with food. I drank a 32 ounce water bottle, which helped for a bit… before I was bombarded with food again. An email dinged in my inbox and there was a recipe for “One Pot Bacon and Broccoli Mac and Cheese”. Seriously?! I thought as I deleted the email without opening it. Mmmm… mac and cheese… I tried to refocus myself and continue about my morning. But by 10 AM I began to get “The Headache”. If you’ve ever tried a no-carb diet you know what I’m talking about. It’s not your everyday headache that can be wiped out with 2 tylenol and a warm shower. No, it’s the “omg-kill-me-now-I-feel-so-lethargic” type of headache.
So I caved and ate a banana….
My rumbling stomach began to subside, and I began to question how deep my desire to have Kim K.’s butt really went. “How do these people workout eating such a small amount of food?” I wondered. I really was baffled, because y’all I was hungry!! Finally lunch time rolled around. I love a nice lunch! (Yes, yes I know… I’m a giant foodie). But seriously, lunch time is nice isn’t it? It’s the pause in a hectic day when you can slow down and eat a nice meal. If you’re lucky you can head outside and enjoy a good view while you eat your meal. Even if you only get 30 minutes to yourself, you can unwind, recharge, and fuel up for the afternoon. Well… that is…. if you’re not on the Kardashian Diet. I couldn’t find protein powder in my grocery store, but commonly the Kardashian’s will have a protein shake for lunch so…
This was my lunch. Yup… that’s it. I never felt so sad. I held the bottle in my hands and sighed. “Okay… I can do this…” I weakly told myself and began to drink the chocolate/chalk like shake.
As you can see, it’s only 180 calories. So needless to say, it didn’t really fill me up either. But maybe that’s the point, I’m not sure. Anyway, it was back to water with me as the afternoon rolled on. My hunger was briefly satiated by the Slim-fast shake before it began growling for actual nutrition by 3 PM. I sighed. “Just a couple more hours until dinner…” I told myself and willed my body to hang in there. Finally dinner arrived. (Cue doom and gloom music). My plan was to bake a piece of salmon and eat it with boiled broccoli. Boring? Yes. But it seemed like a fool-proof plan for an easy supper, and with 0 energy that was the best that I could do in that moment.
“Honey, how long do you cook salmon for?” I called out to Mr. Noob Chef. “I dunno… Google it!” he replied. I groaned aloud. “I’ll just figure it out for myself” I mumbled.
Big mistake. REALLY big mistake.
I set the oven to 400 degrees (F), put some aluminum down on a baking sheet. Slapped my salmon fillet on there. Added a pinch of salt, pepper, soy sauce, and powdered garlic. And I thought I was good to go. “I’ll just put it in for… 20 minutes” I said aloud. I wanted to make sure the fish was completely cooked. Oh it was cooked alright… more like SAND!
My fish looked like something that came out of a $2.99 all you can eat buffet… if the short order cook fell asleep at the grill. Y’all it was bad. Baaaaad. I stabbed it with my fork and watched as the whole fillet came back with it. I ripped off a piece, and popped it into my mouth. That was it. I was done. I wave my white flag of surrender to this diet. I may not have Kim K.’s butt, but at least I’ll have a nice supper.
So onward and upward my friends. Stay tuned for the next recipe 🙂 And until then, keep on cooking! ❤